You ever have one of those days where things are going fine but you are just anxious for apparently no reason? Then your brain kicks into overdrive trying to figure out why? Today is that day. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s cold and rainy here today. I just want to be under a blanket on the couch reading or watching a movie.
I hate days like today. So hard to concentrate. So hard to get anything done at work. And I am dreading my drive home. I live over 50 miles from my job and I am getting tired of the commute.
The depression is just getting old. Each day it goes on, the more I feel like I can’t stop the snowball from rolling down the hill. It seems to grow. I do get some nice relief when some moments of mania kick in, but they have been few and far between. I sometimes question my bipolar diagnosis because I don’t have a lot of the manic symptoms I have read about. The ones where you have grandiose thoughts. I mean I day dream a lot. Sometimes that’s how I put myself in a good mood. I will daydream that I am more successful or famous and sometimes it feels real. It puts me in a better mood. Music does that too, but lately it has to be the right song. No country for me…all the songs are about losing loved ones LOL.
I just want to get rid of this pain in my stomach. The depression/anxiety hurts. I am lonely but I don’t have the energy to pursue a relationship right now. I am just not ready. I guess when the right woman comes along, I will just be ready. Or she will make me ready. Or…I don’t know. I hope you know what I mean.
Anyway, I seem to have gone off on some tangents. Maybe they aren’t tangents. Maybe it is all related. I just needed to write a little today and get things out of my head so it doesn’t explode.
Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist. I just upped my dosage of the Abilify to 10mg in an effort to battle the depression. She is thinking of another medication (the name is escaping me right now) but it is an anti-seizure medication used to treat bipolar depression. I hate when she tells me the side effects though. This one if not dosed right can cause Stevens-Johnson Syndrome which is basically a deadly rash. Not exactly something I would like to mess with. But I feel like I need to try something.
Anyway, time to wrap this up and get some things done. I hope you are all doing well and have a great evening!
A real Jack-in-the-Box 