From bad to worse…but hope

You found out yesterday that I hadn’t been on my meds for a while and I felt like I was having withdrawal symptoms. That only got worse…

We pick this story up with the “I’m sorry” mantra (again and again): sometimes the other people snap, too. Sometimes the other person can only take so much. Everyone deals with hardships and being hurt differently. But in the words of my therapist, “Hurt people hurt people.” That’s what happened last night. My girlfriend basically left. Told me she would be “right home” to help me deal then I didn’t hear from her for over an hour after she should have been home. She went to get drinks with a friend. Innocent enough but she wouldn’t tell me where she was or what she was doing.

Problem with this whole thing is I was legitimately worried. Then my worry turned to anger and all sorts of A.N.T.s (Automatic Negative Thoughts) crept in. We will get to those thoughts later, but the important point is that my girlfriend doesn’t believe I was worried. She thinks I was doubting her and thinking she was out doing something she shouldn’t have been. This hurts her to no end that she thinks I don’t trust her. It isn’t a “trust” issue. It’s an “anticipatory anxiety” issue (thank you therapist). Is there a difference? To me, there is.

I love this woman with all my heart. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. But my bipolar swings and OCD are really starting to get in the way of that. You see, she is what you might call “passive-aggressive”. Those traits and my traits don’t get along too well. At all…

She is a strong woman. Your typical fiery redhead. She has a soft side but only her kids really get to see it. And even that is between truckloads of sarcasm. She does not take criticism well. At all. Unfortunately, neither do I. Her and I are a powder keg. She wants to be free and my insecurities ask, “free to do what?”

Reality is, all she wants is trust. Trust that she is not going to do something that will hurt me. That is VERY hard for me. I have been hurt and lied to before. Had a 10 year marriage ended when my wife cheated on me.

That’s where some of the OCD comes from. If I can control it, it can’t hurt me…no no. Doesn’t work that way. You cannot control another human being. Whether your kids or your significant other, they are there own independent beings. And when you have control issues, that makes for a BIG problem.

What do we do? We remind ourselves over and over that we must put ourselves first and do what we need to do to make ourselves happy. It is no one else’s job.

So…when you figure out how to do that, let me know!


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