When you feel lost

I didn’t write for the first time yesterday because I spent the day with my family. And some weird things happened…

First of all, I have yet to describe my family to you. I have 2 daughters (10 and almost 13). I bought a house about 15 months ago with a woman who has 4 kids (1 boy (almost 9), 3 girls: 11, 12 and 16). We have our own little Brady Bunch and not a car big enough to fit all of us. To say there are stresses is an understatement. None of the kids are with us full-time as they split time with their other parents, so we do get a bit of a reprieve but sometimes that makes things harder. In the 15 months since we have been in the house, all 8 of us have only been there together twice (Christmas and last Easter).

This weekend was my girlfriend’s to have her kids. Hers come one weekend, mine the next. It just sort of happened that way but the good news is all the kids get along really well. We spent the day doing some retail therapy and had a really nice day.

But the weirdest thing that happened was between my girlfriend before we went out. We sort of had a “breakthrough”. At one point, she looked at me and said, “you look lost.” Truer words had never been spoken. I told her I was and went upstairs to take a shower. After my shower, I just started to cry. She came upstairs and I tried to hide it but she saw me wiping the tears. We ended up having a good talk. For the first time in a while, there was very little tension and we just talked. She told me what she wants out of life and I realized, I don’t know what I want.

I am lost in my own world. I have put so much effort into not letting the same things happen that did in my failed marriage, that I am destroying myself and my relationship. I am hurting my girlfriend by smothering her.

I was cheated on during what ended up being a 10 year marriage. My ex-wife had multiple online relationships with one turning into a rendezvous weekend. I am so afraid of being hurt again that I get jealous and have trust issues. In this sense, I am VERY broken. I want my girlfriend to be happy. But I am so terrified that it will be with someone else that I turn into…well, frankly an asshole. The Abilify helps a little and at least I RECOGNIZE I have a problem. The first step is recognizing, right?

So, what am I doing about all this? I am going to try to go back to my roots. My girlfriend and I are joining a gym (exercise, exercise, exercise!! They say laughter is the best medicine, but it is really exercise) and I am going to try and play baseball again. If baseball doesn’t work out (I am getting old after all) I will give softball a shot. I need to start doing things for me. Not the for me, smothering my girlfriend. I need to let her live her life. I need to TRUST that she is not going to hurt me like I have been in the past. I need to FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES in my life and realize that there are far more positives than negatives!

We will see how well this works, but I think you should try it, too. Remember all the good things you have! Most important of all is you ALWAYS have a second chance as long as you are still alive!

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