The title of today’s entry is kind of a play on words. I have a problem with control. Or, more specifically, lack thereof. I am sure some of you have the same issue. We want things nice and neat and tidy. No danger. No fears. Why? Fears lead to A.N.T.s. And A.N.T.s lead to what?…Anxiety. Depression. Anger. Messed up relationships. Etc., etc….
So, how do we control OURSELVES? That’s the only thing we have, right? We CAN control our reactions. We may have trouble controlling how we feel right now but we CAN control how we react.
For those that are not yet loyal followers of my chaotic life, the last few days have been very stressful with my girlfriend. EVERYTHING has caused a fight. We are at a point that the tension is out of hand. A lot of it has been caused by me. To say I am afraid of being hurt again is the understatement of the century. It gets turned into trust issues which get turned into resentment from her. I frequently ask her who she is talking to/texting on her phone. When I step back and think about it, it has to get old and annoying. Almost (if not totally) hurtful. It infers a lack of trust, especially depending on HOW it is said.
Last night, I tried something different. I had to in an effort to avoid ANOTHER fight. When I had the urge to ask her who she was texting/what she was doing on her phone, this little voice popped in my head that said, “why would she do something she ‘shouldn’t’ be right in front of you?” That was immediately followed by, “do you really want to start another fight?” So, this time….I said nothing. Went about getting ready for bed like there was nothing going on in my head. Crisis averted. I even went right to sleep.
I had to prove to myself that it was no big deal. She has a right to talk to whoever she wants. I always fear she is talking to a guy. She has told me a number of times (adamantly) that she isn’t. I need to trust her. I need to give her more credit.
In the meantime, I need to keep trying. I love this woman, yet I hurt her. That doesn’t make sense to me but I keep doing it. That is MY problem. That is something I need to fix or I will lose her completely.
Onward and upward. A daily struggle that can and WILL get easier. It just takes effort and a retraining of my brain. One day I hope to get there.
“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.” – Pema Chodron