Have I pushed her too far away?

The last 72 hours have been a whirlwind in my house. My girlfriend’s ex boyfriend (who is 25 years her elder) discovered a mass on his brain. They removed the tumor on Saturday night. Since Friday night at 10:30 pm, I have seen my girlfriend for all but about 4 hours, and 3.5 of those, we were sleeping.

She has been at the hospital with the kids (8, 11 & 12). They want to be with their father and he has no one else to care for them while they are there. Last night, she was not home until 12:30.

This of course started an argument and EVERYTHING came out. She is miserable in our relationship. She doesn’t feel what she used to and she is not sure if she will ever feel that way again. She says she wants to try to make things work but I do not feel like she is ready or willing to put in the effort it will take. Nor does she have the patience.

She says I have hurt her. Maybe I have. I have fear issues. She sees it as trust issues. Maybe they are the same thing. There is no intimacy anymore and she says she doesn’t have any desire to make love. She doesn’t want to be sentimental or do the little things anymore.

It just brings up the question: can this be fixed? Is this relationship too far gone to repair? I love this woman and know I can be over bearing sometimes with my insecurities. I have been working on them the best I can. Therapy. Psychiatrist. New medication. But I don’t know if this relationship is too damaged to salvage at this point.

I realize it takes 2 people. It doesn’t matter how much I want it fixed, if she isn’t willing, it won’t work. She wonders why I keep asking her if she wants out, but that is how it feels. She gets mad at me when I ask her that, but that is how I am treated. She refuses to see a therapist of her own or address any of her issues. She just acts like she wants out.

That thought angers me a little. She acts like she wants out yet she sticks around. My “logical” (note I did not say “rational”) side says that she is just using me for my house and my money as it does benefit her and the kids. She helps with all the bills but she cannot afford it without me. At this point, I have a hard time affording it without her. But it does benefit her financially to stay with me. And with her in the midst of a custody battle with her ex, a stable, long-standing living environment is crucial.

I’ve been told to trust my gut but even that is confused. I believe she loves me, but is not in-love with me. That is hard to swallow and hurts a lot. This is a woman I committed to buying a house with and being with for a long time.

The biggest problem with this whole thing is the depression that it is causing which compounds everything! It is debilitating. Going to work is extremely difficult and the Ativan doesn’t help the anxiety. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and my brain will just not shut off. I know it is best to just leave her be and “let her come to me”. But that is hard for me. As I have said before, I have other OCD tendencies and feel I need to act to save this. Not doing anything is something very new to me and is difficult.

Maybe this isn’t right anymore. It has become toxic and difficult. I do love this woman and seeing her with someone else would destroy me. But I can’t change her. I do know that.

So….attempting to leave her alone completely today. No messages during the day asking how her day is going. No bugging her. Nothing. This will be difficult. But I can do this. I need to do this if I want things to be fixed.

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