Yes. You read that right. I want to turn my brain off. No…not ALL of my brain. That would be dumb (and have rather morbid side effects). Just the part that WON’T SHUT UP!!
Ever since I started on the Abilify, I have had this odd clarity in my head that can distinguish between the rational and irrational thoughts. Weird, I know, but for the most part I know which is which. The problem is, they kind of fight and the irrational thoughts tend to win. Which causes anxiety. Which wears me out. Which causes depression. Which causes more thoughts. And so on and so forth….
I want an off switch. I want to be able to just turn off all the voices in my head. (That sounded creepy!) I know I am supposed to do things like exercise and preoccupy myself. But it doesn’t always work. I end up more tired and then don’t get enough sleep. I have taken to playing some word games that help the mind-numbing process. But they just tire me out.
It is a constant struggle that, as you can probably empathize if you are reading this, is exhausting. So, what do you do to turn it off? What do you do to get things to be quiet for a while.
I know a lot of my issues stem from my relationship. The feeling that my girlfriend has “checked out” but says she wants to make things work has put me in “limbo” (according to my therapist). This is apparently not a good place for me to be as it completely goes against all my quirks. No control. No security. Just….the unknown. The question of will things get better? I don’t know but I want to try. Problem is, she needs to try, too. And I can’t force that.
So, my search continues for the best way to calm my brain. Something that won’t tire me out so much.