Today I had the epiphany that I have needed…there is no such thing as “control”. Not easy for someone with bipolar and OCD symptoms. What all of my symptoms come from (and cause….stupid sick cycle) is fear-based thinking.
Forget the mental illness crap for a minute. I have relationship problems. I say forget about them because, honestly, they don’t matter. It’s a part of who I am and they are causing problems. I am causing problems. My girlfriend can only take so much. Sure, she loves me. But if I become controlling and have a life ruled by fear-based thinking, why should she want to stay? It takes 2 in every relationship.
Don’t get me wrong…I am not taking 100% responsibility for our issues. Like I just said, it takes 2. But where did it all begin? And more importantly, where does it all end?
This time, I actually have an answer to that: stop the fear-based thinking and just let go. Yes, easier said than done. But one of us needs to break the cycle. I need to stop being afraid she is going to leave. Why? Because it is going to make her leave! By acting out on the things I am most afraid of, I make them happen.
It all starts the same way. I question something. Usually an innocent social media post or a like. Then my mind races. “What does it mean?” Reality is, it probably doesn’t mean anything. I like things and post things all the time that are innocent and innocuous. So why can’t she be doing the same thing? Why do I care about social media?
The problem is these thoughts come AFTER the fact. I need to retrain my brain (can you say “CBT”?) to think them BEFORE I realize I am thinking anything. I know I have the tools in my toolbox to do this and I realize it will take time.
The control thing comes into play with the fact that I cannot control if my girlfriend sticks around long enough for things to change. I cannot control her reaction to how I act sometimes. I cannot control her…period. I need to get back to the person I was when I “won her over”.
Maybe that isn’t possible. Everyone changes and maybe that is someplace I cannot get back to with her. I just know that I waqnt to make things work with her and I need to be patient. Patience and perseverance…