When it rains, it monsoons…

It has been a little while since I have updated you guys on where I am at. I am not sure there is enough time to really fill you in so I will give you a quick synopsis:

  1. My girlfriend decided we need some time apart. She says she “doesn’t ever miss me” because I am always around and she thinks some time apart will help her figure things out.
  2. I got audited by the IRS…thank God for payment plans.
  3. My anxiety has been raging for weeks (see #1…could be a correlation LOL)
  4. My ex wife hired a lawyer to modify custody. I have since convinced her we do not need lawyers to figure things out.
  5. I am now battling an onset of depression that I have not had in a long time.

The last one is the big one. It’s the reason I am writing today. Trying to get the snowball to stop rolling. I know a lot of my stress is my girlfriend. We have just grown so far apart. I love this woman. I want to talk to her and fill her in on what is going on in my life. Now I don’t know what to do.

She left this morning for work without saying good-bye. She is going to go live with her mother while she “figures things out”. I have no idea what to do. Maybe I am too smothering. When I miss her during the day, I message her and let her know. Can’t do that now. Or at least I feel like I am not supposed to. I have been put in a position where she is in complete control as my only option is to end things. I know I cannot force her (or anyone) to love me. Just the reality of everyone is their own person. But I thought puberty and high school were designed to teach us how to handle this type of rejection. Liking/loving someone and them not returning the feelings. Maybe it has been too long and I have forgotten how to deal.

While I have hope that we really do just need some time apart, my gut says this is the beginning of the end. To me, it doesn’t make any logical sense how time apart will make us grow closer. But, I guess I just need to let go.

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were.”

I guess we will find out how true that really is, but I don’t believe that she never was mine…just maybe not anymore.

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