Trying to Navigate the Pain

My girlfriend has now been out of the house for 4 days. Not permanently. Just what she says is “needing time apart”. She says she is not moving out. She says she does not want to see other people. She says she “just needs to miss me”.

Problem is, I am starting to feel like a fool. She has not contacted me in those 4 days and I am trying to abide by her wishes and give her as much space as possible. I have sent her 2 messages: one that said I missed her at a concert I was at and the other to say I hope she had a nice weekend.

It’s these 2 messages I want to write about. I sent them out of fear. Fear that she would forget about me if I didn’t. I say fear because I have no logical reason to think she would forget about me. I think she is scared about the future because she really doesn’t know if she wants to be with me. She has already told me (not that she had to) that she has fallen out of love with me. She is not sure that will ever change. She thinks time away will help her figure things out.

I don’t know what the hell to think about any of it. All I know is on the days I don’t have my kids, I come home to an empty house. A house I bought for us to start a home. It’s just the dog…a dog she wanted to get for everyone, only to tell me she doesn’t like him.

Maybe I need to just really read the writing on the wall. There has been exactly ONE person who has any sort of hope that things will get better. Everyone else has said to move on and things will get better.

But in the meantime, I have “the pain”. That feeling of loss in my stomach and the depression that goes with it. I would go and stay with family, but now I can’t because of said dog. I have never really “hung out” with people because I just never have. That’s probably because of the anxiety but it doesn’t matter I guess.

And I am tired of taking the Ativan. I am tired of needing a pill to just get by. I am holding out on the Ativan as long as I can. I know I shouldn’t be that way but I am managing ok. I really don’t want to start a psychological OR physiological addiction to it.

I know I can do this. I have done it before. The withdrawal from love can be just as bad as the withdrawal of many other drugs, with depression being a major hurdle to overcome. But I will overcome it and I will be better for it!!


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