(Still) Trying to Navigate the Pain

My girlfriend and I are officially over. This is very difficult for me as it was her choice to end things. That is the curse of relationships: it takes 2 people to start but only 1 to make a decision like this.

Since it has been official, things have been….surreal. I keep waiting to wake up from a bad dream. But the further removed I am from the event, the easier it is to deal. I have been able to go a few days at a time without the Ativan, but the depression has been kicking my butt.

I have been reading all about how depression can cause insomnia. Don’t need to read, actually, as I have been living it. Good news is I have slept better the last 2 nights than the nights before. I did take some Ativan before bed a few nights ago and tried staying up a little later than normal (something I read helps the insomnia and may actually have).

The hardest part of the whole thing is I have realized how many bad things have happened to me in the month of May. It is disproportionate to the rest of the year. A major car accident. Caught my wife cheating. Had a house that flooded. Grandmother died. Girlfriend left me (it was made “official” 5 years to the day that I caught my wife cheating). Again, things have happened other parts of the year, but not at the rate that things happen in May. I officially hate the month of May LOL.

So that all got me thinking: why am I like that? Why do I notice these things? The answer (according to some of your blogs, other readings and my therapist) is anxiety. Anxiety causes me to notice patterns because – as most of you with anxiety know – people who suffer from anxiety HATE change. So we notice things. Little things. Any change at all.

This was a major problem in my last relationship. I would ask about EVERYTHING! She grew tired of it and, honestly, I can’t blame her. She saw it as me questioning and not trusting.

The most comforting thing she told me when we finally sat down and talked was that, while she didn’t like feeling like she was under a microscope, she understood that I did it out of fear. She knows I am not a bad guy by any stretch and I didn’t treat her bad. I just constantly questioned. She said her personality just can’t handle that trait of mine.

In short, it is what it is. As my therapist so gently beat into my head in CBT groups and my 1-on-1’s: “I don’t like it. That’s ok. I can stand it anyway.” So we move onward and upward and try to fight this feeling in my stomach. I have been here before and that means I know I can get through it, as much as it sucks.

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