Why do we have “bad thoughts”? Seems counter-productive to survival, doesn’t it? I mean, we have these thoughts that cause us to feel worse (about ourselves and/or our situation) and sometimes we have the “ultimate bad thought”: suicide*
*-No, I am not having suicidal thoughts right now, but I have in the past. Not “I want to kill myself” but “what would it be like if I weren’t here?” kind of thoughts…
I think this train just derailed in my head. The realization that I have had suicidal thoughts. Almost brings it back full circle to “why do we have bad thoughts?”
Why? Why does my brain process things as being so bad that it would even think about not being here? It is counter-productive to survival, isn’t it? Does that mean I am that broken that survival sometimes becomes not as high a priority?
Maybe that is because I take so many things for granted. My brother, who I work with and is one of my best friends, said to me the other day, “Happiness is based in gratitude.” I so many times forget how charmed a life I live. Let’s do a kind-of cost-benefit-analysis of my life:
Things I have (the good, in no particular order):
- A loving family – Mom and dad are still together after over 45 years. They have ALWAYS been there for me. They even said I can come stay with them for a little while if I need to while I figure out where I am going to live. My daughters, while young, have been amazingly understanding and wise beyond their years. My siblings make sure to let me know they are there if I need anything as well.
- A well-paying job…that I enjoy – I don’t dread going to work. In fact, some days I look forward to going. Going on 15 years, these people are my extended family. I have leaned on them a lot through my personal struggles and they always help me out.
- A roof over my head – …and the other essentials (food, a bed, a car, etc.). I could be struggling so much worse than I am.
- Good, reliable friends – Maybe my social anxiety has a plus side: I only let in people who I really trust who happen to all be fantastic and supportive. I have had so many people reach out to me and ask if I am ok since my breakup.
Things I don’t have (the bad, in no particular order):
- Financial Peace of Mind – I am a people pleaser and racked up a large amount of debt in my last relationship trying to prove myself or make her happy.
- A significant other – I am lonely. Period. It is nice to have an exclusive someone there to enjoy life with.
- Inner peace – That comes with the whole bipolar thing I think. Constant anxiety and the latest bout with depression.
Now, I have talked since my first post about “strength in numbers” and I realize not everyone has what I do. I am not trying to rub it in and I apologize if I somehow offended you. But maybe you DO have those things and take them for granted. Maybe you have a car but not the one you want. Point is you have a car. You also have a goal for a car you want. Sometimes having a goal is good because it can create motivation if we frame it correctly in our minds. Motivation and hope go hand in hand I think.
That then begs the question, what are my goals? Well, we can start with the “Things I don’t have” list. I want to undo all those things. I want Financial Peace of Mind. That is a very realistic goal, especially after the profit I should make from the sale of my house. A significant other…while I don’t necessarily have control over that, statistics and history have proven that it’s not impossible. In fact, the obtaining of the 3rd “don’t have” (Inner Peace) goes a long way towards finding the right one and knowing they are the right one in a significant other.
So, feeble brain of mine, stop wondering what it would be like if we weren’t here. We ARE here…hopefully for a long time. Why? Because we have goals! And those goals need to be met! I need to have FAITH (this will be another topic very soon I believe…get it? Believe? HA!) that things will be better and I can be a happy person WITHOUT someone special in my life. That is true happiness. Depending on others is a recipe for disaster when it comes to happiness. It creates a false sense of security and when taken, just fuels the bad thoughts. I AM good enough for someone…the biggest problem is that lately, I have not been good enough for the most important person of all: ME!! I need to get there first. Once there, who knows how things will be?
Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think. What do you take for granted?