After the breakup with my now ex-girlfriend, I decided to remain “friends” with her on social media. I debated whether or not this was a good idea but in the end I thought it would be a better way to deal. Not easier, mind you, but better.
I figured it would be in my face her moving on with her life. It would force me to deal with her being gone. If I see her with other people, maybe it will sink in faster that we are over and we will never be together again.
Surprisingly, while difficult, it was working. Until today. Until she added a guy on Facebook that she cheated on her ex with and has sworn that it was just for meaningless sex. She originally unfriended him because I was uncomfortable with her being friends with someone that she would just jump in bed with for no reason whatsoever. She never understood my anxiety over him and maybe that was a red flag I should have paid attention to.
Her and I had very different views about sex. To me, sex is the one thing that separates “just friends” from being a couple. People say they don’t want a friend with benefits, but isn’t that the ultimate relationship goal? A friend with exclusive benefits? Maybe I am old-fashioned or just naive, but sex should be something special. Not that I don’t understand drunken one-night stands. They happen. But to repeatedly sleep with someone you don’t love or care about doesn’t make sense to me.
Anyway….that wasn’t where I wanted to go with this post but I guess it’s where my brain wanted to go. Either way, her adding him has made my anxiety take off today. But I KNOW BETTER. Her life is none of my business now. I shouldn’t assume anything either. I need to just move on. Maybe turn off certain notifications or turn off my feed so I don’t see things like that anymore. I just wish this was easier. Easier making it none of my business. Social media is something I wish didn’t exist right now. Maybe it shouldn’t for me for a while.
I liked how things were when I was a kid. No social media. Just being social. Even in high school social media didn’t exist. I mean chat rooms and messaging weren’t big things until I was in college. Then Myspace came along and Facebook and look where I am at now: writing a blog about how it has taken over parts of my life.
The dopamine addiction to social media is very real, I know. You think you can just turn it off and it just isn’t that easy. I have realized how often I look at my phone just to check social media. If I got rid of social media, I could almost just get rid of my phone, too.
I need to find something else to focus on today or I am going to get depressed again. I can feel the loneliness kicking in again. I feel like I have no friends or people to do things with. But I don’t want to do anything with anyone either. Like this weird catch-22 where I push people away because I don’t want to do anything then wonder why no one ever wants to do anything. Another sad side effect of social media: it makes you feel more lonely, even though you have all these “friends”.
I know I am rambling again. Just trying to get my thoughts out before I get consumed by them. I know that her life is none of my business. I know I should not let it bother me. The fact that it does means I have more work to do which will just take time. Time and patience.