Having a Catalyst

It’s been a while since I have written here and I feel I really need to do it more often. It is therapeutic. But, as a lot of you with depression or bipolar disorders know, sometimes motivation can be lacking.

So, I guess I owe everyone an update on where I am at. The house goes on the market on August 11th. I am very not motivated to get the house ready to go and it is stressing me out. I do not want to move. I want my life back. I want the comfort I had of waking up with a woman I loved in a house I loved with a steady job and my Mustang in the driveway. The only thing I have left of all of that now is the steady job. Everything feels like it is being taken from me. My Mustang died in February, the woman left in May and the house is being sold (hopefully soon).

But then this morning, my therapist said I need to re-frame everything. The house being sold should be looked at as a catalyst to bigger and better things. Once the house is sold, I will be out of this quicksand of a life. I still have to see my ex everyday and while on the surface things are friendly and cordial, deep down it tears at my heartstrings because I want her back.

Comfort is the main reason I think I want her back. Don’t get me wrong, I love this woman. I am very calm when I am around her. But things will never work out. She needs her alone time and as my therapist also said, this is about her. This is about her doing what she needs to do to be happy and to move on with her life. I could have been the perfect boyfriend and she still may have left. She has always told me she did not want to rely on anyone else for things. She is now making that happen.

What that means is I get left behind. Against my will. I was the one hurt in this (not that she wasn’t but she had time to prepare). It hurts more to watch her move on with her life without me. It is hard for me to turn off the caring. I still want to make sure she gets from point A to point B ok, but it is none of my business anymore. She knows how I feel because we still talk. She now lives by the mantra, “never say never”, which does not help when it comes to our relationship. I don’t wait forever to find out never isn’t going to happen!

I have also been told by a very…”religious” friend that I need to trust God more. She says I need to thank him for this pain because it should motivate me to do what is right. If I do His will (which he will let me know as I go is His will), I will have a happy, healthy and stable life. I have always been a faithful man, but not really a religious one. Meaning, I believe in God, but I don’t go to church. I always make excuses. “I’m too tired.” “I’ve got this or that to do.” But the reality is, they are just that: excuses. I need to improve my relationship with God. God = Hope. And I need the right kind of hope. The kind where I am happy in my own skin. The kind where I do not NEED someone else to make me happy. The kind where I live in a financially stable world, with my kids and the person that comes into my life is a bonus, not a need.

So, in the meantime, I drudge along. Fighting my depression and trying to get the house ready to sell. Easier said than done. But I do not fail easily either. I will put up a fight with this and get the house all ready to go! It needs to go. It is the catalyst to bigger and better things!

I hope you are all doing well and remember: you are not alone in your struggles! (I think I wrote that as much for me as I did for you!)


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