The Splinter in My Head

I am starting to wonder how much longer I can live with this splinter in my head. I see my ex-girlfriend almost everyday still because she still lives in my house. She is moving on. She is changing. She now stays out until all hours of the night. And the truth of the matter is, it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

So, until the house sells, how am I supposed to deal? I am so depressed that I cannot sleep without my Ativan. I hate taking that everyday and would like to not have to take that everyday if possible. I tell myself I need to avoid her and just move on but then it almost makes me do the opposite. I stay up just to see her. Just to say hi to her.

She doesn’t care. Not in a mean or harsh way. But she has her life to worry about. I feel like a nuisance to her. But I was the one left behind. I am the one having to sell the house and start over against my will. She gets what she wants. Freedom and independence. She can see whomever she wants and do whatever she wants and I am nothing to her. That’s a hard pill to swallow, considering how I was ready at one point to ask this woman to marry me.

Help me out. What do I do to fix this? Time heals all wounds, I get that. But what happens when that wound is ripped open every single day? How do I heal when my life is no dependent on other people (i.e. someone buying the house)?

My therapist says more daily mood logs. Again…motivation is a bit lacking and I keep making excuses. Writing here is about the only thing I can find the motivation for. I should be working but I can’t stay focused.

When I write here, it helps me see how much my emotions are affecting my life. I see my excuses. I see my irrational thinking and my negative thoughts. But, to quote Morpheus in the Matrix, “There’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.” I can’t get the feeling of dread out of my stomach. The anxiety and depression are borderline crippling. It is physically taking it’s toll.

I do have momentary reprieves where I feel like I can overcome this. Sometimes music will help that or there are some RARE times that I can rationally think my way to be where I want to. I also don’t know how much of an impact the daily Ativan is having. I take it at night before bed and I always feel the worst about mid-morning (about now….so now you all know at least I live on the east coast of the U.S.).

Today is different. Today I feel like I am about to have a panic attack. I feel like the downs are more down lately and every time the pendulum swings down, it goes further down. Friends are offering help with the house and I turn them down. For a million reasons.

Maybe in the end I am just avoiding everything. I am running instead of fighting. Fighting meaning for myself. For a future. For moving on.

I am tired of making excuses and not getting things done for myself. I am not used to failing at things and right now I am failing. Myself! I just need strength and maybe catch a break or 2.

If you made it this far, thanks. I guess I am wondering, knowing there are #StrengthInNumbers, how do you cope with having to see/deal with an ex? Anyone in a similar situation?

I hope you are all well!

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