It just won’t go away

I have been in this really horrible cycle of being kept awake because of anxiety then not being able to get out of bed because of depression in the morning. It is getting old and intrusive. I have been pushing being late to work almost everyday for 2 weeks now. And when I get to work, I just can’t focus. I try to avoid taking the Ativan everyday for the anxiety because I know it can be very addictive.

I really need my house to sell soon. I am stressing big time about it because the longer I am in the house with my ex, the more insane I seem to be going. I get depressed because she goes out and lives her life and has moved on. That is still hard for me. Friends keep saying they will be so happy for me once the house is sold and she is out. Out of sight, out of mind. But in the meantime, I have to deal with the debilitating stomach pains and the annoyance of a racing mind. I should really start getting the house packed but I still can’t find the motivation. I have come to the point that I sleep on top of my comforter with another blanket so I don’t have to make my bed every morning in case there is a showing. I have thought about sleeping on the couch for the same reason. I am getting tired of the stress of cleaning up after everyone in the event that there is a showing imminent.

I have an appointment with my therapist Thursday and I see my psychiatrist next week. I think it is time to think about adding an anti-depressant to my meds. The anti-psychotic (Abilify) has done a great job keeping me stable I think but this depression is almost unbearable. Mind you, I am not suicidal or even think anything like that. I just hate how I feel right now. I hate to be alone but I don’t want to call anyone to go do anything. I have to force myself to shower and leave the house just so I don’t go stir-crazy. When I am alone, the clock just seems to tick by so slow. I just want it to be somewhat close to my bed time so I can go to sleep and not worry.

Then when I do go to sleep, if I don’t take the Ativan, I wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety. And so on and so forth…

The cycle seems to be getting worse and I am beginning to see that light at the end of the tunnel start to fade. I just want to be stable. Not even happy. Just no depression or anxiety. And I am so lonely most of the time. Just want to find someone to be able to spend time with. But I need to be ok with myself before I can be ok with someone else.

So, I drudge onward. I can’t even keep the smile on my face anymore. My friends are constantly asking me if I am ok or if there is something wrong. I used to just say I am tired. Now I say I am tired of everything going on. But there isn’t much going on. Maybe that’s the problem.

My biggest fear is that we are coming into a time of the year that just adds to stress and depression. That scares me (what?? Have anixety about anxiety?? No way…) I need to shake this funk before it gets too deep into the season.

Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far. I know I need to remind myself why I started this blog: “Strength in numbers”. If you have read this far, you probably have dealt with this, too. Time for me to practice what I preach. I would tell you that things will be ok and you need patience and time. Talk to your mental health professional(s) and even confide in a friend.

Re-reading that last sentence has helped. Maybe I need to remember that I am my own friend sometimes. That guy in the mirror is a pretty good guy. I should give him some good advice and I should really listen when he talks!

Stay healthy my friends! God bless.

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